Chapter: No return

No return

I look out of the window. Small drops make their way down the pane. Sometimes they unite, but then drip onto the windowsill like everyone else. I drop my pen Actually, I should learn. It's been a long time since I last saw you Too long maybe. I lower my gaze. Look at my many notes. Many have nothing to do with math, almost everything revolves around a thought. You have accomplished your mission, you will never return. All of my thoughts revolve around one question. Will i ever see you again I already know the answer, but I deny it. You will never come back. I'll never look in your eyes again Feel this warmth in your gaze. You gave up everything just to help. Have often put your life in danger, everything to save your friends. Everything persevered and never gave up. I will try to follow your example.I will forget you. I keep telling myself, but I don't know it's true. I am always reminded of you somewhere. I wanted to draw a line, forget everything, start over. All paper, every book on this table should keep me from thinking, let my mind wander. It doesn't let go of me, everything, every thought is about you. The weather suits my mood. Gray, cloudy, now and then a drop, hardly any sun. For weeks now, I try to come up with a clear thought every evening. I've been sitting here since you left. Wait for your return. She will never come. Sighing, I look out the window. A single blue streak breaks through the sky. A sign from you Hardly a whim of nature. Maybe she wants to cheer me up, show me that there is another world. One outside the room. Will I ever be able to laugh, fall in love again? I doubt it. Boys only want one thing, but you were different.Different from all the guys I know. For you, inner values ​​count more than looks. You believed in the good core in everyone. Understanding even your enemies. The wind subsides, the blue predominates and lets some rays of sun through. The evening is still young, the sun is already weak. Soon it will go under, make way for the darkness. Darkness that also reigns in my heart. Nobody has been able to illuminate her until now, to save me from her. You were the only one. But you're gone It gets stronger, from day to day, from minute to minute, incessantly, pulling me deeper and deeper into a black hole. I get up, lower the blind. Today it doesn't make sense anymore. I go to bed.
My alarm is ringing. I look at the clock face while I'm still half asleep. 6.30 a.m. I try to get up yawning. But then you'd better stay lying down. My body hurts everywhere, I hardly feel my neck anymore, my head is booming.Since that day, my ma had often told me that I should rather take vitamin tablets, because those who are not mentally well are very susceptible to illnesses. Each time I refused to take one of the pills and I was in bed with a fat flu. I groaned. How I hated it when Ma was right. For better or worse I had to stay at home today, maybe I could go back to school tomorrow. There was a knock, my ma entered. “Honey, where are you?” I open my mouth, but instead of an answer, I only get a croak. My mother looks at me, comes up to me and feels my forehead. Your cold hand is good for you. “You stay at home today.” I just nod, just want my peace and quiet. She leaves the room. How many times have you been here. How many times have you visited me when, like now, I was sick in bed. Again my thoughts only know one thing. Was it fate that we met? Was it predetermined? Yes, it was.Was my misfortune also determined? Was it fate that I met you and fell in love with you? Is Love Predictable? I do not think so. Love is different, different from everything else. It was fate that we met, that I fell in love with you, it wasn't. That I suffer so is probably the just punishment. I've changed the way things are. Changed what couldn't be changed. Will I ever be able to fall in love again, ever laugh again? So many questions and no answer. I close my eyes, imagine our time together. The best time of my life. What are you doing right now?