ѕнα∂σω σƒ мσση

The full moon is shining in my room, it's the middle of the night. I can't sleep since I got the sms there are so many feelings in me and then the chat with him earlier, no, I can't anymore. The tears run down my cheeks more and more. I cry everything into my pillow. The garbage can already filled with handkerchiefs and my nose sore. But even if I cut off my arm, this pain would be bearable in contrast to what is happening here.
I can't find sleep. Pain, it's the only thing I can feel It is not hate, it is not love, it is not fear, it is everything and it turns everything into pain. Lost in my little room, what now seems so big, I cry. I'm alone and I just don't get it.
I do not understand the world anymore. How could that happen?
Do you know how it feels
Do you know how much it hurts?
I can't do it any other way. No I have to see every day to hear, but why?
Why am I doing this to myself?
Do you want to add such a pain to me?
First you tell me you don't know what you want, then we are a couple like no other. We share joys and sorrows, or rather we shared. You don't know what you want, you're just with your friends. Is there still a future?
You used to be by my side every day, you took me by the hand and never let go of me. We wrote and telephoned late into the night because we couldn't stand the time without each other. SO you were seldom with your friends and always with me. But now it's the other way round. Today you are with me and always with them.
Do we still have a future then? Everything was so perfect, but now?
Everything breaks up, I don't know how to go on. YOU don't answer mri to the question: "How do you see our future?", You smile at me and hold me in your arms. But this smile is only a play. It is played and it reveals it. You don't know It's unbearable how you keep me on a long leash, if you don't love me anymore, then stop it!
Better an end full of horror than a horror without end. You torture yourself and me with it and what for? That in the end we won't even be able to maintain friendship.
Maybe we just need a little break, but what if we don't?
If I was too pushy and now you already doubt your love for me?
Ask me if you can be in love when you are already so deeply in love.
How can you do this to me But then you just said you were sure you would only love me. How can I be sure that it wasn't just a lie. If you just wanted to fool me like your fake smile
It's starting to feel like everything about you is so wrong:
Your eyes have lost their shine, they only radiate this lifelessness and indolence.
Your laughter is played just to show me that you are fine.Your kisses are so insignificant just to please me.
Why are you doing all this? To maybe get the feeling of love back for me?
But if there is no love, can it not arise?
Because friendship can turn into love every time, but it seldom works otherwise.
I don't wanna lose you, no I love you But can you still call it love?
Because he is still there!?!
He's my best friend and always there for me, no matter when. As soon as we don't get any sms from him, something is missing. I'm coming home and there he is.
In the chat and waiting, complaining to me that I should tell the bus driver to drive faster because he is waiting. As soon as it is not on or we are not in contact via sms, we miss something. We can talk about anything and I trust him and he still has it all:
His bright blue eyes, full of shine, zest for life and understanding. How his eyes keep pulling me under his spell. How the soul mirror tells me its story. Like another ocean can I lose myself in them every time.
His laugh, so real and carefree. Whenever I see it I smile and a joy comes up in me. Indescribable how just one look from him fills me with happiness.
His arms strong and protective, even if it's just a greeting when I'm in his arms. It is a feeling of security and protection. Just that I can forget my worries with him for a moment. It may be?
Am i in love again?
Is that the reason why I lost interest in my boyfriend?
Why do I find his kisses, his eyes, his laughter, his whole existence as untouched?
Is that possible?
No it's impossible, I wanted to love him. Forever, I always wanted him by my side.
But now he is there, no matter when and where: He is there and then the sms.
Once again I get up from my bed and crouch against the cold gray wall and look out the window. The hands grab my hair as he always loved her. He tousled my hair every time and he always kissed her.
Tears run down my face and it feels like my face is burning. As if the tears were so hot that they burn everything that stands in their way.
The moon lights up my tearful face and in front of me, on the equally desolate wall, I recognize myself. A mirror under the window, my eyes are empty and red too. Weeping red, my hair disheveled and my hands clinging to it. My head hits the wall. I can't go on, how should my life go on?
The girl in the mirror, that can't be me. I was the girl who always laughed, always helped everyone up and never talked myself. No matter what, and that's what I get from it. I want to end my life, but no.
I run my hands over my face like he did then and stop on his chain.He gave it to me for our one year anniversary celebration. The tears burn through my face and I tear the chain off my body, it just flies away in the mirror and it shatters. I bury my face in my hands and cry.
I don't want to anymore, how should I go on?
I'm alone.
But the only thing I want is to have him by my side. Or do I want my big teddy by my side?
What do I actually want and who am I?
This is not me!
No, I can't be!
I was always hidden under my facade. Was wearing a mask.
I was always able to pretend and nobody would care. With every step I took and the more I ate into myself, the less I spoke, the more wounds my heart took. If you drop a glass or a plate, there is a loud, clanking noise. If a window shatters, a table leg splinters or a picture falls from the wall, you can hear it. But when the heart breaks, it stays silent. Because the pain that doesn't speak gnaws at the heart until it breaks and we only have one heart, but why right now? Yes, he could look under my facade, he could steal my mask from me. But why doesn't it work when I'm alone?
If I want to be alone I don't mind. But at the moment I just want someone to be there.
I don't want to anymore, I look up again. I see how my face can be seen in the different and splintered parts of the mirror. I look up and see all the pictures, is it anger that comes up in me or just desperation.
I jump up and tear the pictures from the wall, destroy the picture frames and fall to the floor. In the middle of the sea of ​​broken glass. My bare legs are starting to bleed. My nightgown is the only thing that protects me from being broken. Everything else, my arms, my head, my legs, my feet, everything is in the shards and will be damaged by the shards. But the pain is bearable. I don't care because my heart suffers more than my body. I don't care if I die or if I live. Because a part of me has died and with every step in the current direction a new part in me dies.
But what will happen now?
Why did it come to this?
What happened to me
I can't do anything else, I have to keep looking at how he tries to keep love going and how he loves me. But what can i do? What if he can't even tell me he loves me?
How should I go on?
If I lie here undecided and cry, a new day will dawn.
I will not die. The blood loss is too little, even if the pain does not subside. I do not care. Pain is pain, but my heart bleeds harder than my body.
The tears continue to run, mix with my blood and in the end I fall asleep on the bed made of broken glass.With tearless eyes and blood-smeared body, I am now lying here. But nobody will care to see me like this.
Nobody will care about me because I am happy for everyone else. Only he will wait for my sms, for my message, with displeasing thoughts. But he will not receive it. Because for me there is no morning.
I now fall asleep with a heavy soul and a disfigured body, and I know with a bad conscience. My problems will be resolved in a few minutes or hours.
Because then I am redeemed.
My teddy will desperately wait for my messages, my friend will see that there is no point and the world will see:
I'm just a normal girl and my life ends with my heart failing. It stands still as soon as I close my eyes and no one will know why I was lying here. The cold floor was adorned with blood soaked shards and memorabilia and my lifeless body in the middle of them and I couldn't even say I still love him. I've missed it all, but I'm redeemed.
No more problems, no more.

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So here is the (first) OS I've ever written and I hope you all understood and you could feel. It is dedicated to all of my friends who have helped me often enough and also to all of my new friends here.
I thank you for everything that I have experienced through you and I hope I was able to empathize with the story.
Mfg Jule